Struggles

This semester my body has not been very good to me. I have always had an on-again-off-again friendship with my intestine, but the past few months have swung, statistically, toward the off-again side. I am often frustrated because at times when I am in a chipper mood or want to be doing work, queasy sensations bring me down. The past 24 hours also brought me a pounding headache. I tried sleeping it off, a pair of extra-strength tylenol, water, and a long shower, with no improvement. One of the pills left over from my wisdom tooth removal seemed like the next course of action. I was reading about feminist art criticism and suddenly felt the pill kick on– so I’m now a little bit high, but still in pain.

Feminism and my Digital Film Major and skepticism. All are opening my mind and have been helping me think in new ways and I’m glad to have them. But I’m struggling, especially with the feminism, to still enjoy a lot of things in the entertainment world. I need to reconcile the feminist in me that rages at the opening titles of a Bond film with the credits being projected on womens’ undulating body parts with the video-artist who thinks it’s cool as shit and the insecure little girl who wishes she looked that hot. There’s a lot of anger and guilt that builds between those three aspects of me. The skeptical aspect of me is only in conflict with the outside world– teachers, peers. I want to be able to access all parts as I need them, but I do not want to see everything in political terms. The personal is not political. I have sympathy for the women of the 70’s, wondering if they were having “the right kind” of orgasm.

I feel like I am falling behind. My body can’t keep up, my mind is tangled.